Mental Health vs. Spirituality

This morning while attempting to pick up the broken pieces of myself after a rough evening before bed, and attempt to practice self-care; to possibly salvage something positive I accomplished the day before, I realized through my deep connection to music, this is how god is trying to reach me. Due to the fact of how emotionally moved and connected I am by that medium. When I listen to this album, there is more than a emotional or physical connection to the lyrics, songs, or melodies. It's a deep, true, honest connection with GOD.

I feel that the music says so much more than I ever could say, or admit to saying out of pride and foolishness. The emotional connection I feel, feels true, feels real. Leaving me to sing how I feel, without trying to find the complex words to describe how I feel. I even feel when singing it, it's therapeutic in a prayer form... as if I am singing a prayer for his help, guidance, assistance, and love during trying time of struggling with the all-or-none thinking associated with depressive behaviors.

"Father, Father You have brought me to my knees Father, Father You long for me to see When I get lost along the path You will fight to bring me back Only You, can make the best of me" - Wrecking Ball: Sidewalk Prophets

These were the first lyrics to hit me, hard. Because after last night, I was brought to me knees. Feeling lost, hurt, angry with myself, hating myself. Even having suicidal ideations, such as everyone and everything in my life would be so much better without me and my influence on them. Because all that I do is disappoint and let people down; set horrible examples of the terrible person who I am inside. Insecure, stupid, a failure to the core; no matter how many times I try to get back up and keep moving forward. I mean am I setting a good example of how to live life? I struggle daily with depression, most days I feel depression has won the battle; only looking forward to the next day to be gripped in the titanic struggle once more. Hoping at some point the tides will turn, leaving an opening to squeeze by for a victory. Which in the long run seems so meaningless in the throws of depression. "I was good enough today, to survive another day", is about how I feel 50%-60% of the time.

"I need a wrecking ball Slamming inside my heart Breaking me all apart Tearing the old away Killing the fear in me Until I can finally breathe Even if it hurts so bad that I can’t even stand Take it all, let me fall into Your hands" - Wrecking Ball: Sidewalk Prophets

This is the part of the song, the chorus, which I sing with fervor and vigor, truly believing this to be true. This is what I need, this is what I am asking for. 'Even if it hurts so bad that I can't even stand..... take it all, let me fall into your hands'. I sing as if I'm praying, in hopes that my please are being heard. That's when I feel like I had just been kicked by the holy spirit, like a cornered mule defending itself. It hit me, I feel torn apart, broken from inside. So much so, to the point of depression this morning I truly didn't want to get out of bed, "Even if it hurts so bad that I can't even stand". I'm getting what I asked for... my heart and mind were so clouded and closed off from defensiveness that it didn't even occur to me. Until this moment. I then had to re-listen to the song, and it just permeated the depression and feelings of self-hate, negativity, and worthlessness.

"Hands where mercy lives where grace begins With Your hands knock down all these walls I’m praying" - Wrecking Ball: Sidewalk Prophets Into your hands, where mercy lives, and where grace begins. I have a hard time, turning to GOD when things are bad. I'm bad about bearing everything myself... feeling that this is my problem, this is my task; to carry this all alone and deal with it. It is my punishment, for being who I am, and doing what I've done.

This morning, the first thing I did, was to turn this album on, because I know that it helps ME feel better. It helps ME cope with depression, anxiety, and life. I turned to GOD, first thing this morning to help, for guidance, for love, and for understanding. And I received each and every one of those things with an willing, and open heart; and broken spirit this morning. I can't remember the last time, if ever I have turned to GOD first and not tried to problem solve my own issues. Never have I just given it all over to him, but a few times in my life. Some of the most difficult times in my life, none the less. Where I am exhausted and completely out of ideas, direction, and guidance.

It was then I realized that an earlier song is another connecting point to this song. One I also sing with true raw emotion,

"Make me broken So I can be healed ‘Cause I’m so calloused And now I can’t feel I want to run to You With heart wide open Make me broken" - Keep Making Me: Sidewalk Prophets

I was asking the very same thing, in this song.

"Make me empty So I can be filled ‘Cause I’m still holding Onto my will And I’m completed When you are with me Make me empty ‘Til you are my one desire ‘Til you are my one true love ‘Til you are my breath, my everything Lord, please keep making me" - Keep Making Me: Sidewalk Prophets

This at this point to me, is not a coincidence. This is what I am asking for in prayer, this is what I am longing for. As as per the usual, like attempting to break down a parable for greater understanding; things are staring you directly in the face, waiting for you to get to a place of understanding to see it. Not just to see it, but to FEEL it and truly UNDERSTAND it, to it's fullest capacity intended.

Ever since this understanding, I have been so at peace. My fears are gone, temporary as that might be. My clarity to look back into this with great introspective, is supernatural.

Sometimes you get so consumed with life, and the physical world that you overlook some of the simplest things that are there for you every single day sent as reminders or breadcrumbs to paths far less traveled. There is a such a beautiful elegance in simplicity, when it comes to life and what really matters. And the tools that GOD uses are the last thing you would ever expect in life, such as a loved one or significant other. Which you have been blinded to, regardless of the factor or cause for you to over-look and miss what the holy spirit does for us. Sometimes at great cost or strain on relationships. Every person in your life, especially those closest to you are there for a reason, and a purpose.

I can only thank my wife, who is the strongest person I have ever met. To not only choose to be with me, but have the grit and determination to stay around in the face of great adversity and obstacles that I deal with. If ever there were a real-life Wonder Woman, it's her.

Thanks be to GOD and his mysterious ways and plans that stretch back further than our young minds could ever begin to understand.

Today, I have been reminded of my blessings. I have been reminded of what truly is important. I have been shown tough love, mercy, and forgiveness. Even if in the throws of anxiety and depression I am so far gone and bullheaded to see what miracles lie directly before me.

I don't often talk or speak openly about my faith, religion and beliefs; as it seems this day an age all you have to do to offend someone is take a literal breath to survive. Alas, I felt that despite how open and vulnerable this makes me feel, it may help someone who struggles. It may help other know the therapy that can be music and writing. To just not hold something in until you can't find room any longer to contain it. I am respectful towards everyone and their beliefs, regardless how they appear to treat me. Know, my love for you in my heart is real, regardless of who you are, what you have done, and what you may or may not believe in.